Brotherly Love

[chimeramimicry]

I'm almost too late.  I can feel the surge of air in the room before I even pry open the door.  We're up at the penthouse level, the suites.  It's high enough for the broken windows to suck the doors closed.  I'm breathless when I push my way inside.  I see the scuffle.  I hear Nathan's labored breathing.  I have no idea what I do exactly.

It goes back to a time when I lost Nathan.  I was young when my brother went off to serve his country in the Navy.  We're thirteen years apart.  It's a lifetime, really.  I didn't understand that my brother would not be there to wake up to anymore, or to climb into his bed when the monsters came.

The monsters have come again.  One in particular.  One I'm not strong enough to fight.  And yet, he leaves Nathan to me. Badly wounded, hardly breathing, sure.  But alive.  I can almost feel my knees give out as I scoop him up to my chest.  I should go after Sylar.  But I can't move from Nathan's side.

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[prezstandsalone.livejournal.com]

I bring my hand up to cup the back of Peter's head and bring him closer. This is not really how I thought our first kiss would go...me wounded on his bed, but it's Peter and we are together.

When it comes down to it I will choose him every time. Hell the only reason I stopped him from blowing up New York was because I knew I would lose him forever if I did.

I do wish my breath smelled better though.

[chimeramimic.livejournal.com]

This is not something we should be doing for many reasons. The first is the most obvious. Blood relatives don't do these things. The second is medical. Nathan's had his throat slashed open. His vocal cords have nearly been severed. I shouldn't have taken him from the hospital just yet.

When we part, I can't stop looking at him. My head is tilted strangely as I lean over him, my lips are wet from more than my tears.

What was that? What were we doing?

I laugh, shaking my head slightly. It's a timid sound for the moment. "Jesus Nathan, what the hell?"

[prezstandsalone.livejournal.com]

I roll my eyes at him and his question. It should be pretty clear what that was no matter if we are going to hell for it or not.

"Kiss," I mouth at him, "In love with you....clear yes?"

I'm being an ass I know but I can't help it, I just assumed Peter would know that I loved him and that I've always wanted more.

[chimeramimic.livejournal.com]

I wish that he could speak, if only so I didn't have to have my eyes open to see his lips moving. The whispered sounds of air passing between his lips and tongue make me groan outwardly as I touch his chin. This was going to be a problem...

I'm not sure what to do about this, though Nathan snorts through his nose and shakes his head at my puppish hesitation. He seems so calm about it. How can he be calm about it!?

I run my nails over his smooth cheeks and frown. "When you wake up later are you going to go on a witch hunt for me?" nathan's been known to throw my life back in my face whenever I share it with him.

[prezstandsalone.livejournal.com]

I shake my head no again and nuzzle him in hope that I can ease his mind about my wants and desires. I really wish he had Parkman's power, it would make this whole confession thing so much easier.

I take a deep breath and speak as best I can. "I....love you...moron.....want...you."

After that I don't know how much clearer I can make things.

[chimeramimic.livejournal.com]

My mouth opens and closes in rapid succession as if I'm a fish, lost under the pressure of the sea. "Nathan," I murmur, extracting myself from his arms. "Nathan, let me go to Claire. I'll heal you." And I'll get myself out of this little mess I'm in.

Nathan's in love with me. I do love him, that's true, but I've come a long way from my childhood need for love from someone so taboo.

I don't want to sin, even if it was I that kissed him first.

[prezstandsalone.livejournal.com]

I can tell from the look on Peter's face as he leaves me alone to go find Claire that he doesn't feel the same as I do and it hurts deeper and more painfully then I thought it would.

I held back from telling him for so long. Maybe I waited too long and now whatever I think I've seen in his eyes isn't there anymore. But that doesn't matter to me...I'll love Peter even if he doesn't love me in return at least not that way.

I close my eyes and do my best to sleep while I wait for everyone to come back. But no matter how hard I try my dreams are filled with Peter, his smell, his taste even his touch.

Shit I really have got it bad.

[chimeramimic.livejournal.com]

I lose my ability to fly the moment I touch Claire. She asks me how my brother is, and I just smile. She tells me that I can just carry her to him, that she can heal him for me, but I can't let her do that. I'm Nathan's hero. I need to fill the void caused by what he's told me.

By what I did to him.

The ride back to my apartment is slow. I have to catch a bus up to New York from DC. I really didn't think this through. I never think anything through.

It's six hours before I get back to Nathan and I'm in a panic. I shouldn't have left him alone. What if he needs me? He can't call anyone, he can't speak. I've got tears in my eyes as I pound my way up the stairs, ignoring the elevators and their slow, spotty service.

"Nathan!" I need to get my head examined after this.

[prezstandsalone.livejournal.com]

I doze for a while, just enjoying the quiet. It seems like ages since I've been able to sleep thanks to Danko and everything connected with Building 26.

But Peter's voice snaps me awake and I give him a worried look mouthing. "Claire," at him. She may hate me but she is still my flesh and blood and I need to know if she's okay.

[chimeramimic.livejournal.com]

"Claire's fine, she's just fine," I say, kicking off my shoes as I climb into bed with him. I'm not going to lay down, I have so many other things to do right now. I've managed to collect a great deal of things from my time as a hospice nurse and an EMT. It's just natural that I have an IV line.

I'll admit that it's a little creepy filling the bag with my blood, sitting beside Nathan, holding his hand whether he wants me to or not. He's looking at me and I feel a prickling heat sweep across my skin.

It's not fair. After all of this time, it's not fair for him to admit to something I've felt for so long and buried so far under the surface.

"And this... This I hope will make you fine." Because we need to talk. Or not. I'm all right with not talking either at this point.

[prezstandsalone.livejournal.com]

I squeeze Peter's hand as the blood flows into me. I'm not sure this will work because this isn't the power Peter was born with.

But I can feel the blood start to work as the pain disappears and after a bit I cough and make an attempt to speak. "Peter," I say and my tone is rough but understandable.

[chimeramimic.livejournal.com]

My eyes are wide and wet when Nathan speaks. I've already replenished my blood, and what had been mine flows inside of Nathan. There's something about that thought that makes me sniffle quietly and seek out Nathan's arms. I'm weak without him, weaker than I am with him. Knowing that he's going to be all right makes me heart thump wildly in my chest. He's against me, murmuring into my hair and ear. It's beautiful.

"You really scared me," I say, laughing against his ear as I card my fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck.

[prezstandsalone.livejournal.com]

I laugh the sound grating on my ears, but I'm sure it will be better in a minute. "I scared you...for a second there I thought I was gonna die alone," I say.

It was true...and I guess it's a measure of the man that I have become, that I can feel fear again. Speaking of fear, I turn to Peter and run a questioning hand down his arm.

"Pete....about what I just did and said.....I meant it but I'll understand if you want to forget it happened."

[chimeramimic.livejournal.com]

I'm still smiling, but it's frozen on my face. I was hoping that we could forget, that this would not come up again. Nathan wasn't dying anymore. I can see the bandages loosening as his stitches dissolve on his skin. He's going to be back to being Nathan again. Power hungry, asshole, Nathan. My brother. The guy who told the world I was suicidal on his senate race.

I lower my eyes from his and gently pull the tube from his arm. The last drop of my blood causes even the track mark to disappear and I cast the tube, the bag, and the needle away from my bed.

My brother was still gazing at me. It made my head hurt. I need a shower. I need something to eat. Nathan must need it more, but there is that glow in his eyes.

"I thought," I tell him, swallowing, "you'd have wanted to forget it yourself." I'm grinning just the same. Trying not to feel self conscious.

[prezstandsalone.livejournal.com]

The truth is I don't want to forget it. I love Peter more then anything...at first I thought I was clinging to the one good thing in my life because of what happened to me. But then the bomb happened and I discovered that I was right. Everything I am, I am because of Peter and the light and joy he brings to my soul.

"Peter.....the thing is....I meant it...every world. I've been in love with you since you were 18...and I know I've been an asshole and a jerk but what I was trying to do was find a cure for us...a way to get rid of the power for people who wanted it.

I just went about it the wrong way, because I was angry and you and myself over Dad....."

[chimeramimic.livejournal.com]

Nathan just told me that he's loved me for over ten years. Ten years of my life that I've spent every moment I could trying to be close to him. And he's pushed me away countlessly. Again and again and again. All right, so the degree of my love for my brother has never been entirely pure, not really. I've always wanted him more than I've let on, but it's not been a sexual sort of 'let's make out and touch each other inappropriately' sort of relationship that I was going after.

And yet, here was my brother, stumbling over words. These weren't practiced, just meant from the heart. I find my arms moving around his neck as I use to do when I was younger, sighing against his cheek and then nuzzling his now painfree throat.

"What do you want from me Nathan?"

[prezstandsalone.livejournal.com]

The answer comes out of my mouth without me having to really think about it much. "I want whatever you would be willing to give me Peter," I say firmly, "I understand what I'm feeling is wrong but it's also the truest thing I've ever known.

I won't push you into anything, but I won't deny you anything either. I'm yours and I will protect and love you until death....even past it like I've been doing ever since you were born."

[chimeramimic.livejournal.com]

It was happening so fast, but that early morning, Nathan had been so close to dying that I actually felt part of myself die as well. That's no way to live, being connected to someone so strongly and never being able to do more than inappropriate hug them whenever possible. I don't want to do that.

I feel his hand in my hair and I curl mine in his as well. I love how it looks when it's gotten a little long. i love the way it curls around my fingers, trying to get me to stay.

Our noses touch. This is a terrible sin, but one in which no one can be hurt. I'm afraid. I could lose him. He could hate me if I give in.

But giving in is what I've always done for Nathan. He's offering me more closeness to him than I've ever had in my entire life. I can't let that go.

[prezstandsalone.livejournal.com]

I can feel my heart pounding like a jackhammer and I'm pretty sure Peter can hear it too. Just even being this close to him is like a dream come true. I run one hand down his back unsure of what to say or do now.

Do we take the next most dangerous step and become lovers or do we stop now feelings confessed. I feel like a vrigin on his wedding night assuming my partner knows more then I do.

"Peter..., what do you want," I ask softly.

[chimeramimic.livejournal.com]

Nathan always manages to manipulate me until the ball is in my court. It's unfair, I have to make the next decision and usually it concerns us. When he's being selfish, he can dump me like a lead weight. I'm afraid of being left again. If I give myself up to my brother and accept what it is I know he wants, he's the one with all of the power again.

I'm holding him too tightly. My fingernails press into the back of his neck as if I'm trying to claw off the bandages there. The truth is, I'm just trying to hold on before the puppy takes over, the one that is willing to do anything that Nathan Petrelli wants him to.

I have that weakness. I can't think for myself. "I want...I want what you want, Nathan."

[prezstandsalone.livejournal.com]

I've been such a jerk to Peter he can't even tell me what he wants anymore...it's all about me again and that isn't what I want to hear. I want to know what I can do to make this up to him, to make him understand that in private he's the one in control not me.

God this is so screwed up, this whole situation and me. "Peter...I'm really asking what do you want....no matter what it is I'll do it because in here you are the one in control and you always will be."

[chimeramimic.livejournal.com]

In here. What does that mean? I can already feel him pulling away from me again and I'm sure that it's going to be over. If he leaves me, I'm done for. My world's been turned around so much and so often that I'm screwed.

I still don't know what I want, what he's really asking me. I'm trying to be a leader here, but it's impossible. I can only emulate him. We've kissed so far, kissed briefly, but I know the sort of kiss he does want.

This one I can give. It's not timid, not as timid as I feel, but it is sweet, pattently me.

[prezstandsalone.livejournal.com]

I kiss him back and I know what I have to do to make him understand what I'm asking for. I have to tell him what Dad and Linderman did to me. I've never told anyone that particular secret before not even our mother, though with her power I'm guessing she knew and maybe even approved.

Hell I didn't know it was wrong until I got into the Navy and got the chance to talk to a consular about it. I enjoy Peter's sweet kiss a moment longer before I pull away and look him in the eye.

"Peter...I need to tell you the reason why I hated Dad so much, but couldn't do anything about it.....Dad...and Linderman...they."

I falter terrified, what if he doesn't believe me or worse only thinks I love him because I'm so messed up.

I don't know what I'd do if I lost him.

[chimeramimic.livejournal.com]

I really can't believe what's coming out of his mouth and I pause, my mouth open as I pull back from him. My heart's going to collapse. They orchestrated my blowup. They wanted to so many people. They wanted to kill me my blood is running cold as I pulled out of Nathan's arms.

He's lying to me. He's not telling me the whole truth. He worked for our father. He took over what he started. He met with Linderman, he knew what was going to happen to me. I can hardly breathe.

"You knew?" My God, I've lost so much. The last girl I thought I loved was lost somewhere in forever. I lost my mind for four months. I nearly helped an insane criminal let loose a virus onto the world... I put my hand to chest and stand up, tripping away from Nathan. "That's...that's fucked up!" Yes, more fucked up than the fact that I want to kiss my brother, to feel his hands on me. "Why, Nathan?"

[prezstandsalone.livejournal.com]

I haven't even gotten to the worst part, the part that made me do all those horrible things to the person I loved most in my life.

"I did it because Dad controlled me Peter, he used me body and soul and threatened you when I didn't do what he asked me to do," I say my face burning with shame and fear.

"Going after Linderman was my second try at breaking away from both of them and what they did to me and it almost got me killed and Heidi got hurt......so I didn't save anyone most of all you until it was too late.

All because I was still that little boy too scared to say no to the monsters when they hurt me."