Brotherly Love

[chimeramimicry]

I'm almost too late.  I can feel the surge of air in the room before I even pry open the door.  We're up at the penthouse level, the suites.  It's high enough for the broken windows to suck the doors closed.  I'm breathless when I push my way inside.  I see the scuffle.  I hear Nathan's labored breathing.  I have no idea what I do exactly.

It goes back to a time when I lost Nathan.  I was young when my brother went off to serve his country in the Navy.  We're thirteen years apart.  It's a lifetime, really.  I didn't understand that my brother would not be there to wake up to anymore, or to climb into his bed when the monsters came.

The monsters have come again.  One in particular.  One I'm not strong enough to fight.  And yet, he leaves Nathan to me. Badly wounded, hardly breathing, sure.  But alive.  I can almost feel my knees give out as I scoop him up to my chest.  I should go after Sylar.  But I can't move from Nathan's side.

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[prezstandsalone.livejournal.com]

I laugh the sound grating on my ears, but I'm sure it will be better in a minute. "I scared you...for a second there I thought I was gonna die alone," I say.

It was true...and I guess it's a measure of the man that I have become, that I can feel fear again. Speaking of fear, I turn to Peter and run a questioning hand down his arm.

"Pete....about what I just did and said.....I meant it but I'll understand if you want to forget it happened."

[chimeramimic.livejournal.com]

I'm still smiling, but it's frozen on my face. I was hoping that we could forget, that this would not come up again. Nathan wasn't dying anymore. I can see the bandages loosening as his stitches dissolve on his skin. He's going to be back to being Nathan again. Power hungry, asshole, Nathan. My brother. The guy who told the world I was suicidal on his senate race.

I lower my eyes from his and gently pull the tube from his arm. The last drop of my blood causes even the track mark to disappear and I cast the tube, the bag, and the needle away from my bed.

My brother was still gazing at me. It made my head hurt. I need a shower. I need something to eat. Nathan must need it more, but there is that glow in his eyes.

"I thought," I tell him, swallowing, "you'd have wanted to forget it yourself." I'm grinning just the same. Trying not to feel self conscious.

[prezstandsalone.livejournal.com]

The truth is I don't want to forget it. I love Peter more then anything...at first I thought I was clinging to the one good thing in my life because of what happened to me. But then the bomb happened and I discovered that I was right. Everything I am, I am because of Peter and the light and joy he brings to my soul.

"Peter.....the thing is....I meant it...every world. I've been in love with you since you were 18...and I know I've been an asshole and a jerk but what I was trying to do was find a cure for us...a way to get rid of the power for people who wanted it.

I just went about it the wrong way, because I was angry and you and myself over Dad....."

[chimeramimic.livejournal.com]

Nathan just told me that he's loved me for over ten years. Ten years of my life that I've spent every moment I could trying to be close to him. And he's pushed me away countlessly. Again and again and again. All right, so the degree of my love for my brother has never been entirely pure, not really. I've always wanted him more than I've let on, but it's not been a sexual sort of 'let's make out and touch each other inappropriately' sort of relationship that I was going after.

And yet, here was my brother, stumbling over words. These weren't practiced, just meant from the heart. I find my arms moving around his neck as I use to do when I was younger, sighing against his cheek and then nuzzling his now painfree throat.

"What do you want from me Nathan?"

[prezstandsalone.livejournal.com]

The answer comes out of my mouth without me having to really think about it much. "I want whatever you would be willing to give me Peter," I say firmly, "I understand what I'm feeling is wrong but it's also the truest thing I've ever known.

I won't push you into anything, but I won't deny you anything either. I'm yours and I will protect and love you until death....even past it like I've been doing ever since you were born."

[chimeramimic.livejournal.com]

It was happening so fast, but that early morning, Nathan had been so close to dying that I actually felt part of myself die as well. That's no way to live, being connected to someone so strongly and never being able to do more than inappropriate hug them whenever possible. I don't want to do that.

I feel his hand in my hair and I curl mine in his as well. I love how it looks when it's gotten a little long. i love the way it curls around my fingers, trying to get me to stay.

Our noses touch. This is a terrible sin, but one in which no one can be hurt. I'm afraid. I could lose him. He could hate me if I give in.

But giving in is what I've always done for Nathan. He's offering me more closeness to him than I've ever had in my entire life. I can't let that go.

[prezstandsalone.livejournal.com]

I can feel my heart pounding like a jackhammer and I'm pretty sure Peter can hear it too. Just even being this close to him is like a dream come true. I run one hand down his back unsure of what to say or do now.

Do we take the next most dangerous step and become lovers or do we stop now feelings confessed. I feel like a vrigin on his wedding night assuming my partner knows more then I do.

"Peter..., what do you want," I ask softly.

[chimeramimic.livejournal.com]

Nathan always manages to manipulate me until the ball is in my court. It's unfair, I have to make the next decision and usually it concerns us. When he's being selfish, he can dump me like a lead weight. I'm afraid of being left again. If I give myself up to my brother and accept what it is I know he wants, he's the one with all of the power again.

I'm holding him too tightly. My fingernails press into the back of his neck as if I'm trying to claw off the bandages there. The truth is, I'm just trying to hold on before the puppy takes over, the one that is willing to do anything that Nathan Petrelli wants him to.

I have that weakness. I can't think for myself. "I want...I want what you want, Nathan."

[prezstandsalone.livejournal.com]

I've been such a jerk to Peter he can't even tell me what he wants anymore...it's all about me again and that isn't what I want to hear. I want to know what I can do to make this up to him, to make him understand that in private he's the one in control not me.

God this is so screwed up, this whole situation and me. "Peter...I'm really asking what do you want....no matter what it is I'll do it because in here you are the one in control and you always will be."

[chimeramimic.livejournal.com]

In here. What does that mean? I can already feel him pulling away from me again and I'm sure that it's going to be over. If he leaves me, I'm done for. My world's been turned around so much and so often that I'm screwed.

I still don't know what I want, what he's really asking me. I'm trying to be a leader here, but it's impossible. I can only emulate him. We've kissed so far, kissed briefly, but I know the sort of kiss he does want.

This one I can give. It's not timid, not as timid as I feel, but it is sweet, pattently me.

[prezstandsalone.livejournal.com]

I kiss him back and I know what I have to do to make him understand what I'm asking for. I have to tell him what Dad and Linderman did to me. I've never told anyone that particular secret before not even our mother, though with her power I'm guessing she knew and maybe even approved.

Hell I didn't know it was wrong until I got into the Navy and got the chance to talk to a consular about it. I enjoy Peter's sweet kiss a moment longer before I pull away and look him in the eye.

"Peter...I need to tell you the reason why I hated Dad so much, but couldn't do anything about it.....Dad...and Linderman...they."

I falter terrified, what if he doesn't believe me or worse only thinks I love him because I'm so messed up.

I don't know what I'd do if I lost him.

[chimeramimic.livejournal.com]

I really can't believe what's coming out of his mouth and I pause, my mouth open as I pull back from him. My heart's going to collapse. They orchestrated my blowup. They wanted to so many people. They wanted to kill me my blood is running cold as I pulled out of Nathan's arms.

He's lying to me. He's not telling me the whole truth. He worked for our father. He took over what he started. He met with Linderman, he knew what was going to happen to me. I can hardly breathe.

"You knew?" My God, I've lost so much. The last girl I thought I loved was lost somewhere in forever. I lost my mind for four months. I nearly helped an insane criminal let loose a virus onto the world... I put my hand to chest and stand up, tripping away from Nathan. "That's...that's fucked up!" Yes, more fucked up than the fact that I want to kiss my brother, to feel his hands on me. "Why, Nathan?"

[prezstandsalone.livejournal.com]

I haven't even gotten to the worst part, the part that made me do all those horrible things to the person I loved most in my life.

"I did it because Dad controlled me Peter, he used me body and soul and threatened you when I didn't do what he asked me to do," I say my face burning with shame and fear.

"Going after Linderman was my second try at breaking away from both of them and what they did to me and it almost got me killed and Heidi got hurt......so I didn't save anyone most of all you until it was too late.

All because I was still that little boy too scared to say no to the monsters when they hurt me."

[chimeramimic.livejournal.com]

I feel as if I'm just about ready to get sick. My stomach is turning as I gaze across the bed at my brother. He was a monster, the same as dad, and while I want to recoil from him, my arms are there to hold him in place. I might have mom, but she's just like snake oil sometimes. At least Nathan is a demon I know, one I have spent my whole like trying to make sure loved me.

So no matter what he did, no matter who he is, all I can do it wrap my arms around him and drop my face to his shoulder.

We're both scared little boys, I know this. But someone needs to be strong. I've clung to Nathan my whole life. Maybe he should cling to me a little. Maybe I can show him how to live like a human being, not an ambitious, arrogant prick.

I laugh against his throat. Nathan? Something other than a prick? It's a funny thought.