A Long Trip Home

[chimeramimicry]

The door is two yards away but I can't move from the top of the stairs.  It's been months, four or so, since I've been here, in this spot.  Gone were the days of trudging up the stairs with my satchel on the way home from work because my building's landlords refused to fix the elevators properly.  Gone too was the pleasure I had of returning to this apartment I paid for with my own money and not from my trust fund.  I donated all of that to charity the moment I turned twenty-five and finished paying off my loans to school.  It was two years ago.  It feels like forever.

I'm not the same man I had been.  I'm not a child anymore.  At least, I want to think that.

I'm still clutching the photograph of my brother and I in our tuxedos.  There's a smudge on it from my thumb and full of creases.  I've not let it go since I opened that box containing everything that I am.  Everything I was.  I left Ireland without looking back.  There was, there is only one thing on my mind.  Nathan.

Nathan.

Nathan.

I know he's here.  I've always felt a connection to him.  Mohinder Suresh called it part of my empathy, to feel things like that.  Funny to be so empathically linked to someone I spent my whole life pining for, who has always had a life to live without me.  He's never had time for me.  Never.

"Just walk, Peter," I whisper to myself as I move to a door I have not touched in a long time.  I swallow.  And knock.  I know he's in here without knowing it.  I almost lose the nerve to knock.  Please answer, Nathan.  Please.

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[chimeramimic.livejournal.com]

We've managed to sink to the floor, my brother and I, as I wrap my arms around him. He's almost passed out, face against my neck. He had cried himself to a near sleep, though he was still whimpering softly about needing his wife. I shake my head to clear it of memories I didn't know I have.

It was such a vivid flash of thought, and I know I wasn't making it up. I didn't hallucinate. I remember the next day limping downstairs and blaming it on trying to slide down the banister again. I remember trying hard not to look at Nathan across the table at breakfast as he carried on about his girlfriend, his work, his degree.

I frown lightly now, reaching up to stroke Nathan's hair. I wonder if he knows that two days ago was not our first time. I can't bring himself to mention it.

Instead I kiss his temple. "Tomorrow," I whisper, "she'll love you again."

I think I can do that.