A Long Trip Home

[chimeramimicry]

The door is two yards away but I can't move from the top of the stairs.  It's been months, four or so, since I've been here, in this spot.  Gone were the days of trudging up the stairs with my satchel on the way home from work because my building's landlords refused to fix the elevators properly.  Gone too was the pleasure I had of returning to this apartment I paid for with my own money and not from my trust fund.  I donated all of that to charity the moment I turned twenty-five and finished paying off my loans to school.  It was two years ago.  It feels like forever.

I'm not the same man I had been.  I'm not a child anymore.  At least, I want to think that.

I'm still clutching the photograph of my brother and I in our tuxedos.  There's a smudge on it from my thumb and full of creases.  I've not let it go since I opened that box containing everything that I am.  Everything I was.  I left Ireland without looking back.  There was, there is only one thing on my mind.  Nathan.

Nathan.

Nathan.

I know he's here.  I've always felt a connection to him.  Mohinder Suresh called it part of my empathy, to feel things like that.  Funny to be so empathically linked to someone I spent my whole life pining for, who has always had a life to live without me.  He's never had time for me.  Never.

"Just walk, Peter," I whisper to myself as I move to a door I have not touched in a long time.  I swallow.  And knock.  I know he's in here without knowing it.  I almost lose the nerve to knock.  Please answer, Nathan.  Please.

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[crashgirl82.livejournal.com]

I knew this would do it. He's getting there now, almost fully hard as I slide my lips up and down, my tongue flicking back and forth over the sensitive place beneath the head. I glance over at him, and he's halfway sitting, watching me suck him off, his eyes wide, his mouth half-open.

The part of me that always fought against this can't believe I'm doing this. But it's really happening, and God, it's something I wanted for so long. And I knew he did too. He just had to be convinced.

I pull away long enough to give him a little smirk, as if to say, I told you you wanted me.

Then I bury my face back into his dark curls, breathing in the scent of him, taking as much of him as I can into my mouth, which is almost all of him. He's fully hard now, and I'm pretty impressed; he's almost as big as I am. That ridiculous thought makes me laugh, while my mouth is still closed around his cock.

Peter emits a low, almost guttural sound, and I wonder how much longer I can do this without wanting some kind of stimulation. Other than my insistent grinding against his leg as I do this to him.

He says my name, and I almost stop, surprised at the pleading sound of his voice. I want to hear him say it again.

The waiting is almost impossible, but I force myself to. I can't rush him, now that I'm finally winning.

[chimeramimic.livejournal.com]

It's really my hands that tangle in the lengths of curls I left on his head, but I can't believe I would do such a thing. The closet door beside the bed is mirrors and when I can no longer stand to gaze down at what my brother is making me feel, I watch our reflection. It's unreal.

Every sensation is another nail in this coffin. I pull at Nathan's hair just before it's too late and crush my lips to his. I don't care if I've taken quite a bit of his hair with my fingers, ripped right out of his poor, foolish head.

We're together a moment later, tumbling on the sheets. He's going to expect something from me. Nathan never does anything without getting his fair share. I groan against his mouth, sucking the taste of myself from his tongue. This is enough to send me soaring. I'm afraid to know what else might happen.

[crashgirl82.livejournal.com]

Nothing would have made me happier than for my little brother to lose it all, right in my mouth. Just the thought of that sends a fresh shot of adrenaline into my blood.

But then it would be over before it really starts, and I think he knows it just as well as I do. I allow him to pull me up to him, and he kisses me with crushing force.

"Please, Peter," I'm saying over and over, between open-mouthed kisses. My mouth is full of the taste of him, my brother, it's all I know, the feel of his flesh beneath my hands as I grab any place on him I can reach. I feel his hands on me too, although a little less frantic.

I don't even think about it as I grip his wrist and jerk his hand downward. "Please."

His hand is cold against the heat of my skin, and I don't think I've wanted anything more in my entire life. "Please."

I never thought I'd be begging him.

[chimeramimic.livejournal.com]

I don't really know what to do, but it can't be all that difficult, I decide. I've been doing this to myself for years. I hesitate even so. I can feel Nathan's pressing need and I'm becoming so wrapped up in it that I can't think straight.

I actually laugh against his lips at my own thought pattern. There's weird emotions rolling around between my ears, everything from fear to lust, love to distrust, sadness to elation.

My fingers wrap around my brother, but that's where I pause. I look up into his eyes and the world ends for a moment. My heart is cracked.

"If...If I do this, will you love me?"

[crashgirl82.livejournal.com]

A strangled sound leaves my throat after I hear his words, and I almost want to push him away, stop him from corrupting himself, from dragging him down with me in this madness.

But his touch is something I'd never thought I'd feel in my lifetime, and I'm too close to making him mine forever. I'm too selfish to stop him.

I've brought him this far, but it's ultimately his decision.

"I'll love you even if you don't," I whisper, "I'd love you no matter what." That's the truth, and I hope he knows it, because I've known it his whole life.

[chimeramimic.livejournal.com]

My arms around him are my stability. My breath against his neck is my reality. I close my eyes, my head touching his bare shoulder. It's not actually a jerk off he wants. Not with the way he was pressing against my stomach a few moments before, not with the way he was sucking on my.... Holy Christ, what the hell was going to happen to us?

I lift my head, and my eyes, towards Nathan. My gaze strokes along his cheek and against the curve of his lips. I kiss him again, the fingers that had been around his cock now touching his lower lip.

"Do you...do you want to...?" If it's going to be this, it's just got to be more. No half assing it.

[crashgirl82.livejournal.com]

I see the turnaround in those beautiful dark eyes, and I know he's made his mind up. He isn't really asking me if I want to. He's telling me he wants to.

I give him a slight nod, the reassurance I know Peter needs from me right now. I take his hand, the one that's caressing my face, and I kiss his wrist. I push his hands down away from me, and then lace my fingers into his, lead him to his bed, each step we take bringing us closer to a place where brothers should never be.

The ironic thing about all of this is that we've traded places. Peter no longer seems afraid, and I can feel panic rising in me, a tidal wave threatening to swallow me. There's no way I'm letting him know that, of course.

My brother's never done this before. I don't need him to tell me that. I just know.

I have to be gentle and careful. I don't want this to hurt him in any way, not emotionally, not physically.

Peter seems to know what I want him to do; we haven't spoken at all since he asked his question.

I push him down on his stomach, and I just run my hands over his body, to relieve some of the tension I know he's feeling. I press my fingers into the muscles of his shoulders and back, slowly descending to massage the base of his spine, and finally, I cup my hands around his buttocks, just briefly.

I work my way up his body and back again, memorizing every birthmark on his skin, every curve of the muscles beneath, trying to get the courage to take the next step.

Christ, we don't have anything. We're in Peter's apartment; there's no reason for him to have anything for that type of use here. I'm probably going to have to improvise.

"You okay?" I ask, while I work the last of the tightness from Peter's body.

[chimeramimic.livejournal.com]

I'm almost asleep. Considering how worked up I was only a few moments ago, I really can't believe just how relaxed he's made my feel. I groan, but it's not in pain, lifting my head to gaze over my shoulder at him through half lidded eyes. I want to say that i feel perfect, but that's more of his line. I know I'm nothing like being perfect. I might have powers, amazing abilities, but they are nothing compared to what I want to share with Nathan.

So, instead, I simply nod, smiling. My head hurts from the tears. From everything I've been through this afternoon.

It's absolutely ridiculous how young he's making me feel. I'm twenty-seven years old, not a child anymore, but that's what I feel right now. Nathan can care for me. Finally. It's what I've always wanted.

"Are...are you all right, Nathan?"

I can't believe where his hands have been today. I can't believe what I've survived for all of these years without. I want to kiss him. Badly. Is that a terrible thing?