A Long Trip Home

[chimeramimicry]

The door is two yards away but I can't move from the top of the stairs.  It's been months, four or so, since I've been here, in this spot.  Gone were the days of trudging up the stairs with my satchel on the way home from work because my building's landlords refused to fix the elevators properly.  Gone too was the pleasure I had of returning to this apartment I paid for with my own money and not from my trust fund.  I donated all of that to charity the moment I turned twenty-five and finished paying off my loans to school.  It was two years ago.  It feels like forever.

I'm not the same man I had been.  I'm not a child anymore.  At least, I want to think that.

I'm still clutching the photograph of my brother and I in our tuxedos.  There's a smudge on it from my thumb and full of creases.  I've not let it go since I opened that box containing everything that I am.  Everything I was.  I left Ireland without looking back.  There was, there is only one thing on my mind.  Nathan.

Nathan.

Nathan.

I know he's here.  I've always felt a connection to him.  Mohinder Suresh called it part of my empathy, to feel things like that.  Funny to be so empathically linked to someone I spent my whole life pining for, who has always had a life to live without me.  He's never had time for me.  Never.

"Just walk, Peter," I whisper to myself as I move to a door I have not touched in a long time.  I swallow.  And knock.  I know he's in here without knowing it.  I almost lose the nerve to knock.  Please answer, Nathan.  Please.

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[chimeramimic.livejournal.com]

"So what? So you can find someone that probably will kill you just because that's why he does? You're an idiot, Nathan. A handsome one, but you have no idea what you're dealing with. And you have no idea how twisted you've become."

I begin to list off his crimes. Statutory rape. "You taught me how to suck you off when I was twelve. That's pedofilia too." I smirk as he squirms and force his jaws shut when he tries to talk. "You made me dependant upon you. You used me like a whore. Every relationship I ever had was ruined because of you. You slept with my girlfriend in college. Simone was killed because you tried to stop me from saving her and everyone else. I left Caitlyn to come back to you."

I lean against the wall to look at him. I'm calm, he's furious.

"You raped me in my own bed and then beat me when I could not manage to speak...even after I made you breakfast."

At least I'm beginning to see guilt in his eyes. Everything he's ever blamed me for has been because of him. Every time I have tried to love him, to tend him, to do what's right for him, he's come to resent me a little more.You, the only man I've completely loved, are allowed a wife.

"In the end, you're allowed to sleep around, fuck whomever you want, be any man you want, but when it comes to me, you call me a slut, you accuse me of being a whore. You've had sex with a hundred more people than I have ever had. You've fathered children by three women...maybe more."

I put my hand to my stomach, cradling are babies.

"And now, because I can not live with you while you cheat on me, you are going to kill the only good thing I have ever made in this world? Out of jealousy, Nathan? You're really going to try and take my children from me?"

I cut off the blood flow to his brain. It's slow. And painful. But it will make him pass out.

"You will never hurt me again. You will never hurt our children. I swear this to you."