A Long Trip Home

[chimeramimicry]

The door is two yards away but I can't move from the top of the stairs.  It's been months, four or so, since I've been here, in this spot.  Gone were the days of trudging up the stairs with my satchel on the way home from work because my building's landlords refused to fix the elevators properly.  Gone too was the pleasure I had of returning to this apartment I paid for with my own money and not from my trust fund.  I donated all of that to charity the moment I turned twenty-five and finished paying off my loans to school.  It was two years ago.  It feels like forever.

I'm not the same man I had been.  I'm not a child anymore.  At least, I want to think that.

I'm still clutching the photograph of my brother and I in our tuxedos.  There's a smudge on it from my thumb and full of creases.  I've not let it go since I opened that box containing everything that I am.  Everything I was.  I left Ireland without looking back.  There was, there is only one thing on my mind.  Nathan.

Nathan.

Nathan.

I know he's here.  I've always felt a connection to him.  Mohinder Suresh called it part of my empathy, to feel things like that.  Funny to be so empathically linked to someone I spent my whole life pining for, who has always had a life to live without me.  He's never had time for me.  Never.

"Just walk, Peter," I whisper to myself as I move to a door I have not touched in a long time.  I swallow.  And knock.  I know he's in here without knowing it.  I almost lose the nerve to knock.  Please answer, Nathan.  Please.

Comments

[chimeramimic.livejournal.com]

I sigh against the pillow and then pull it over my head. I don't want him to go, not really. And I don't want him in here either. He'll end up doing something ridiculous to me. Or touch me. And how can I say no to him? I never can, I've never been able to.

"If I let you in, you'll behave? I'm trying to think of a way to get back to how I'm suppose to be. With a dick!," I add for emphasis.

He's silent for a moment, but by the creaking sound of the door, he's coming in just the same. I pull the covers down over my head and glance over at him with one eye, mostly shielded by my hair.

I'm glad he's here. Sometimes, I feel like Nathan just abandons me when the going gets tough. Maybe he's just trying to help because he's a fucking horny shithead.

I blink. Where are those thoughts coming from anyhow?

"Nathan..." My lips are slack for a moment before I pull the blankets aside, offering him a spot beside him.

[law-anddisorder.livejournal.com]

I slide into the bed, and make sure I don't touch him at all. "See? I can control myself." Just barely. "Aren't you glad you're in between jobs right now? You'd have a really hard time explaining this one away, huh?"

He blinks his visible eye and then covers his face with the blanket so that he's totally hidden.

Peter doesn't appreciate my gentle humor either. I don't really know what else to do. I can't help him at all, and I'm starting to feel uncomfortable myself.

I wouldn't mind just sitting here with him like this until he can figure out a way to get his body back, but he wouldn't even be able to talk to me without reminding me of his transformation. His voice, formerly deeper and rougher than mine, now comes out sounding a bit like Ma's, if she were twenty-seven years old again, that is. He always resembled our mother, even as a man, but now that he's like this, he looks even more like her. And I've always considered my mother one of the most beautiful women I know. Biased of course, but true.

Peter makes a frustrated sound under the blanket. He's expecting me to do something, but I just don't know what.

"Pete, what do you want me to say? What can I do? Nothing is good enough. I can't help you at all. Maybe I should go home." I know he doesn't want me to leave, but I don't want him to feel like the only reason I'm still here is to try and get my hands on him. Her. God damn it.

[chimeramimic.livejournal.com]

My hand sneaks out. I can't lose him to her. Heidi gets him for weeks on end. I get him for one lousy night? I don't think so. My brother and I love each other. We're in love with each other. And damn it...if I have to share him, I get more than one day. Heidi is lucky, blissfully unaware of me. I don't want to suffer any more than I have to.

Grasping Nathan's shirt, I do what hundreds of girls have done to me and I've witnessed thousands of others do to men that they know find them attractive. I'm not trying to manipulate him, not like he's always manipulated me. It's not like that. I just want some more of his time...and I'll use what I have to do it.

It's terrible that I feel like I couldn't do this with my own body...perhaps he's just hardwired to respond to pretty women.

"Just...hold me?"

[law-anddisorder.livejournal.com]

"Peter..." I say, trying to put a stern edge in my voice. "I can't, Pete, not when you're like this..." My arms don't listen to my mind's protest. I pull him closer, and he buries himself into my embrace just like he always does.

Except this time he has breasts. They're heavy, soft and warm through the thin fabric of the too-big t-shirt he's wearing. They're a nice size, too. They looked right when compared with the rest of his new body.

I run my hand along his side, and it's almost electrifying when I notice each difference of him, even through the ill-fitting clothes. I touch the rounded curve of his hip, and just leave my hand there for a long moment, until I'm able to control myself.

His waist is even smaller now, and he's a little softer in the belly, in his thighs. He's really very beautiful.

His natural scent is a little different too. Not much, but enough. I breathe him in, and I get used to it more quickly than I thought I would. I press a kiss to his ear, tuck away a strand of his hair. It's shinier, and a little darker than it was before.

"I'll just hold you like this until you go back to normal, okay? I won't touch you anywhere you don't want me to. You're still Peter to me."

I close my eyes, and in the darkness behind my eyelids, and our comfortable silence, it's true.

[chimeramimic.livejournal.com]

Then it's settled. Nathan does prefer me as a woman. I try not to be annoyed by that, but it's impossible. I cling to Nathan because there is no one else here, no one else that understands. I give into his touch because, while I am hurt that he gets so hard being with this particular body -- I know he finds my regular form sexually exciting too. I'm just...sensitive. Overly sensitive.

I guess I just have to keep it on with this. If he wants me like this, then it's not a waste. If I can keep him interested, keep him wanting me, he'll stay.

This is absolutely twisted. Incest between brothers is one thing. But using my so called feminine charms is all I have right now. My lips press to his chin. I kiss the corners of his mouth.

I decide to use a line I've heard so many times in teen movies. It's not as if I'm lying to say it. It's the truth. "I...I'm afraid, Nathan."

[law-anddisorder.livejournal.com]

Of course he's afraid. He has a woman's body, and he has no clue what to do with it. I'll bet he hasn't even really looked at himself yet, he's so scared.

I have to help him, somehow, and not by thinking with my dick, for once. "Peter, sit up." I pull him to an upright position and stroke a finger down his cheek.

"Look at me."

I lock my eyes with his so I can really see my brother, trapped in there behind the female exterior.

"This is temporary, so you should enjoy it while you can. In your mind you're still yourself. So what's a little accidental shape-shifting? Maybe you have to learn how this body works so you can change back."

I'm clearly no expert on the multitudes of powers that can exist in everyone like us, being only able to fly myself, and synthetically at that. But my suggestion could be valid.

"Maybe if you get familiar with it, you won't be so afraid of it. Now come on. Go take a look at yourself. All of you." I haul him to his feet, take him by his shoulders, and walk him over to the mirrored closets. Then I sit back down on his bed.

"I'll stay right here, all right?"

I really hope he understands what I'm trying to do here. I just want to help, and I know he wants me to help him. This is, unfortunately, the best thing I can think of.

[chimeramimic.livejournal.com]

My brother will fuck anything pretty that's still moving. I try to push out the dark feelings, especially because I know that they are not coming from him. Not that it helps. My heart is aching as I slowly remove my clothes. I can't bring myself to look at the image in the mirror. It's not that I'm ugly, and it's not that I'm going to whore myself to Nathan to try and get him to stay with me. I've already done that to many, many men while I was in Philadelphia.

Even so, this is a move that makes me ill with guilt. I don't play the manipulation game too well. As I push down boxers already too big for me, I keep my eyes closed and turn around to gaze at Nathan, naked and according to him at least, absolutely, mindblowingly beautiful.

"Do you like this better than what I usually am?"

My eyes smolder into his as I move closer, within touching distance of him. He could put his hands on my hips with minimal effort.