A Long Trip Home

[chimeramimicry]

The door is two yards away but I can't move from the top of the stairs.  It's been months, four or so, since I've been here, in this spot.  Gone were the days of trudging up the stairs with my satchel on the way home from work because my building's landlords refused to fix the elevators properly.  Gone too was the pleasure I had of returning to this apartment I paid for with my own money and not from my trust fund.  I donated all of that to charity the moment I turned twenty-five and finished paying off my loans to school.  It was two years ago.  It feels like forever.

I'm not the same man I had been.  I'm not a child anymore.  At least, I want to think that.

I'm still clutching the photograph of my brother and I in our tuxedos.  There's a smudge on it from my thumb and full of creases.  I've not let it go since I opened that box containing everything that I am.  Everything I was.  I left Ireland without looking back.  There was, there is only one thing on my mind.  Nathan.

Nathan.

Nathan.

I know he's here.  I've always felt a connection to him.  Mohinder Suresh called it part of my empathy, to feel things like that.  Funny to be so empathically linked to someone I spent my whole life pining for, who has always had a life to live without me.  He's never had time for me.  Never.

"Just walk, Peter," I whisper to myself as I move to a door I have not touched in a long time.  I swallow.  And knock.  I know he's in here without knowing it.  I almost lose the nerve to knock.  Please answer, Nathan.  Please.

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[law-anddisorder.livejournal.com]

Peter chooses the strangest times to talk about these things. We've just fucked for two hours straight, just barely rested, and I can't believe this, but my cock is stirring almost reluctantly to attention again. My mind wants more of Peter; my body's slow to respond, but it's getting there.

"I'm not the one you should ask about that, Pete. It's up to you. Is that what you want?" I ask him, my voice a whisper into his sweaty skin, trailing a few errant kisses over his chest, anchoring one of his nipples between my teeth.

"It'd be nice to see you make a woman as happy as you make me. You'd be a good husband, a good father. Better than me, I'm sure. "

I reach between his legs, stroke him gently, and his body arches into my touch. "Is it what you want?" I repeat, my question a dual-edged sword. Because I just really want to suck his cock.

[chimeramimic.livejournal.com]

Oh, I can't believe I'm getting hard again. I close my eyes as he touches me, as his lips move over my skin. My chin juts out slightly before I sigh, his fingertips ghosting over my chest. "I need... I need something when you're not..." I suck in a breath at lift my hands from his hair to pillow them under my head. He knows I like to watch.

Our sex...our sex is beautiful, I don't care what anyone says. My eyes flutter closed as he pulls me into his mouth before they opened again, fingertips curling in strands of my own hair.

"You...you have Heidi. And...the boys... And I..."

Have no one.

"I don't...want to be alone."